Saturday, June 19, 2010

So my friend Tony came in to work tonight and I kept trying to repeat this joke I had just heard because I work with a bunch of guys who do nothing but tell jokes all night. And I couldn't remember how it ended but I knew it was really stupid so now that I can remember it it's going in my blog (it's a nursery rhyme):

Mary had a little lamb,
Who lived in her back yard,
And every time she bent over,
His woolly dick got hard.

It's really stupid. I mean really, really stupid and I know it, but I have to repeat jokes when I hear them no matter how stupid they are so sue me. And guess what... if you try to repeat it I bet you'll forget the last line.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Here is a recent email Craig sent out to some of his friends and family:

Hi Everyone,

As you may or may not know, I’ve moved. Aaron and I decided to take the plunge. We found a nice duplex on the Westside. It’s THE place to live if you’re gonna live in Santa Cruz. We’re about five blocks from the beach and can hear the sea lions barking on the wharf. We’ve also got a HUGE window in our living room to watch those boys from the beach go by! Eye candy is the best kind. NO CALORIES! I’m attaching a pic of our new place. Note the easy care front yard and my EXTRA handsome man standing on the porch!

On another note, because Aaron insists on me being fiscally responsible, I’m taking donations towards the purchase of a new flat screen tv. CRT’s are so last century and are only one or two steps above indoor plumbing and electricity. If you need an additional incentive, my birthday’s coming up soon. J

Lastly, I suppose I should give you my new address as that is the actual reason for this email.


Lotsa Love


So needless to say, firstly we have moved in together, and second Craig is obviously a more adept communicator than I am lately. If you don't know that we have been looking for a place to live together for the past couple months all I can say is sorry I am bad at keeping in touch with anyone that doesn't live within a 50 mile radius.  And my writing sucks lately as anyone who reads my blog can tell so compared to that anything looks good. Way to go Craig for picking up the slack. I love you.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Can blogging cure insomnia? I hope so. Here's 4 memories I keep obsessing over, I don't know why:
1) I had my first girlfriend when I was six. She was four and her name was Jessica. We always hung out together at school and I think it was after school because she wasn't in school yet and she came with her mom to pick up her older sister and I was waiting for my mom to take me home. I think this was the scenario. Once someone asked me why I always hung out with her and if she was my girlfriend. I was gonna say no cause I thought I was being made fun of but before I could say it she said yes so what's the big deal? Years later my best friend and I both had a crush on her and would both bring her flowers and leave them in her cubby before school started. I talked my best friend into having a crush on her after he told me he had a crush on my cousin and I got really jealous. His name was Willus.
2) My principal when I was in 4th and 5th grade was gay. He ended up getting a boyfriend who was either underage or just barely 18 and hadn't graduated from high school and they lived together and the guy enrolled in the high school. A kid saw them kissing in his office once.
3) When I was in high school I was staying over at the house a friend was house sitting and it was him and a guy I had a huge crush on and this girl savannah. We were drinking and I passed out in one of the bedrooms and in the middle of the night had to get up to get a glass of water. When I went out and turned on the light the guy I had a crush on was having sex with or was very close to having sex with the girl and I totally walked in on them... they were laughing and I was fucking shocked. After I went back and lied down I couldn't get the fact that he was having sex with her out of my head and I couldn't sleep. It was torturous.
4) Also when I was in high school: I was hitch-hiking home and was really stoned and couldn't take my eyes off the clouds in the sky... they looked amazing. I just had to keep looking up at them. I sat against a guardrail with my thumb out and my head turned up to the sky and after a while I looked down and saw that a car had stopped. I didn't know how long they had been there so I ran to catch them. It was two guys from school and they offered to give me a ride home. On the way I kept watching the clouds and tried to tell them how amazing they looked but they didn't seem to understand.

No wonder I was so depressed in high school. I wrote a short poem about this:

Hitch-hiking stoned, trying to get home,
But the clouds were all that kept my attention,
Let the cars go by, just let me see these clouds today.

I was once on a path. I thought it was a path of knowledge but I realised recently that it wasn't for knowledge that I worked so hard. I studied hard and did really well in school and I loved math. I took only honors classes when they were available and the other honor students were in all my classes. It wasn't hard- I was good at it. But I really didn't ever get it all. I skimmed over stuff because I didn't really understand it. To this day I can't remember what I learned in any history classes. Physics and Chemisty are a mystery to me. I didn't always get math but I did enough good work to usually get A's. What I realised is that I didn't really love the learning or the knowledge, I just loved the success. I loved being perceived as smart because of my classes and my grades. This is really weird and I think it's because I can't sleep and my brain is obsessing over these memories and analysing my life but the thing is once I discovered the carnality available in the world that I could have access to, it replaced this desire for success I had. I don't just mean sex which this usually means, but all pleasures in life. I abandoned this path that would have given me greater opportunities but I had no passion for. And I began to pursue hedonistic pleasures that give me compulsion to say to myself that I got on this ride and now that it's going I'm gonna ride it out to the end and keep looking forward. It's not that I don't have an appreciation for more complex ideas or learning. I think now I even appreciate those things more because I see them honestly, instead of telling myself I appreciated them when this was really just the facade of being in love with success which was always based on other peoples perspectives.

The iPad makes computers seem more unworldly and amazing to me now. It's not what you would have thought of a computer being. It has no disk drive, no keyboard, no wires. Maybe I'm just buying the hype and it's not really amazing but I don't usually fall for that. I think it's the fact that it's undefinable what the thing really is... is it a computer? It's not what you think of a computer being- it has much different characteristics. And it's more nimble. I think that's what gets me.

Google has two different website layouts at any one time. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? The google search page is my home page and when I click on 'home' it takes me to one layout, but if I type in '' in the address bar it takes me to a different layout. But both have the URL ''. WTF? Here's one:
and the other:

If you got this far and you're still reading I want to do a survey. Respond and tell me who your favorite character from Six Feet Under is and why.  This means you.

Friday, May 21, 2010

So I started taking pictures of the baby Blue Jays that came into this world in the rafters of my porch on May 3rd, not quite 3 weeks ago. Today they are almost full grown which I think is amazing. The second picture is taken on the 11th at which point they're basically adorable. I mean they're not little yellow baby ducklings or anything but still the fact that they just started opening their eyes and have a constant look of tired bewilderment on their faces is cute to me. And the fact that they were hatched literally 6 feet from my front door makes me a little protective of the idea that they're basically cute as fuck.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm a bad blogger. I can't even keep up a once a week commitment.

So here's this game I invented. It's called 'Yawn'. This might not be a good game to play when you're somewhere where you don't want to offend anyone because just randomly saying things that have no relationship to what anyone else is talking about in certain situations can be a little off putting, but if you don't care about that then you're all good.
When you're at the dinner table or sitting down to have some drinks or somewhere where you're with a few people just say out loud 'yawn'. Say it loud enough for everyone to hear. Eventually someone in the group will give in, given the subconscious suggestion by you mentioning yawning. And then is your opportunity to bust their balls and give them shit- assuming this is something you enjoy like me, otherwise you can just take odds on who will be the first to break. If this sounds boring to you there are other versions I considered but they don't seem to have as reliable results. 'Vomit', 'Cry', and 'Spontaneously Combust' were a few.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sticking to the theme of my blog which is 'Things I've never done before' I'm posting this latest video of me and Craig taking shots of wheat grass for the first time... it really did almost make me hurl. The Jamba Juice girls were very enthusiastic!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

After some effort I have videos of me on my way to obliterating my personal record for most oysters eaten in one sitting thanks to Craig my "I'll do anything for you" guy. It turns out changing the up/down orientation of a video shot with a cell phone isn't as easy as it sounds. Thanks Craig you're awesome.